"I do not know what made you love this person so… That in itself could be why it’s so hard to let go, despite all the days and minutes that have passed by. And therein lies your proverbial salt you carry around to keep your emotional wounds fresh. None of it matters really because you’ve reached a divergent point. You can either find out who Kate is and what her wants and needs really are and move yourself forward allowing yourself to pick up the pieces of your heart along the way and start rebuilding piece by piece leaving what’s behind you behind you or you can choose to live in the shadow of your previous decisions constantly running scenarios in which you will never know the outcome and walking a path with your head down missing the journey around you while devising a plan to change the winds and bring a ship lost at sea back into port.”
There is a line in John Green’s Looking For Alaska- he writes, “But even in the dark, I could see her eyes – fierce emeralds. She had the kind of eyes that predisposed you to supporting her every endeavor.” I immediately think of your eyes, how they stained my retina the first time I saw them. At the time any association to you was purely functional, and communication? Well, that was scarce and abandoned.
I had spent the first three months of the year under some sort of fleeting intoxication, which probably triggered the physical ailments that followed towards the end of my internship at a company with far too much revenue. It was a trying time, with the close of another chapter and a few bad luck run-ins with the parking police and that overwhelming feeling of wondering what the hell I was to do when apathy barged in and left my relationships to starve.
And then you showed up again, you, the same event horizon in the corner of a dark and sweltering room. I remember thinking about the words Johnny Depp had spilled about Vanessa Paradis: “I saw her and my life as a single man was over. You have this feeling – I can’t really explain what it was, but I had it when I met her. I saw her and thought: What’s happening to me?” The words faded into the background as I hauled my heart across the floor, across what seemed to be 54.6 million kilometers – the exact distance between Earth and Mars, just to get to you.
But, there’s always a ‘but’. Somewhere along the way I got lost, leaving uncharted maps and cold blankets in the back of your car. I am not sure how many waking minutes have passed by, but I do know that there has not been enough to erase this simple fact: you are a past I cannot dissolve.
"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is." -Jim Morrison
Happy birthday to the one person that has accepted me at my worst, my mediocre best and everything in between. You are the cheese to my Mac, the Rose to my Jack, you make up for everything that I lack, I bloody luff you to the moon and back!
Beowulf’s “I’m just gonna sprawl next to you looking all cute and cuddly so you can’t get anything done” face.